My last day at Snapdocs was Monday, September 9th, 2019.
At 4:15 PM, I had my last meeting of the day and my tenure – a 360 Review conducted by Todd Emaus, a former startup founder and current culture builder. I admit that I was dreading the meeting because I knew what the feedback from my peers would say based on how I had behaved for the two months prior. I took a deep breath and entered the small four-person room that we had named Mt. Tam.
Todd handed me my 19-page report; I do love a man that still prints paper! We had already discussed that this was my last day, and I detected no surprise from him, seeing as he had just reviewed how my colleagues perceived me. I think we both knew that my departure was months overdue.
I flipped through the report. It was illuminating.
For example, I had recorded that I had high self-awareness, but my colleagues had disagreed. It was the largest gap in the report – 6 (me) and 3.2 (others). There were other big gaps, too. I perceived myself to have a low level of courage and resilience (3) while the rest of the team saw me as more courageous and resilient (5). These findings also surprised me.
I was far less surprised to learn that I had rated myself relatively low on empathy – a four – and that my colleagues/team/peers had rated me even lower – a horrific 2.9! Overall, the rest of the team at Snapdocs viewed my strongest competencies as:
- taking initiative
- being results-oriented
- being pragmatic
- thinking strategically
- being innovative
The lowest-rated competences were:
- being empathetic
- demonstrating self-awareness
- acting with compassion
- fostering a sense of connection and belonging, and
- leading/motivating
Ouch. Saber to the spine.
A bit of context for these results. I had created a lot of opportunities for myself as we grew the company, moving swiftly from an IC in sales to the Director of Customer Success with a team of five incredibly talented and compassionate people in two years. And yet as we kicked it into a phase of serious scale in my third year, I did not adapt. Or, better put, I did not want to adapt. I did not want to focus solely on post-sales adoption. I did not want to focus only on mortgage industry customers. I felt pigeon-holed and stuck. I wanted to chart a new course.
I made an attempt at a rebound, but it was not graceful or aligned to my real desires. I abdicated my position on the leadership team and sought to move back into an IC role with a focus on organizational effectiveness and culture as we prepared to hire rapidly and build out a second office. I care a lot about vision, alignment, and communication, and thought that I could add value in this way.
However, my experiment was short-lived. I had underestimated the amount of organizational trust I had lost by stepping down and stepping back. I had also underestimated how much I wanted to clarify and pursue my own vision! I could not create energy for myself to digitize the mortgage industry. I recognized that I was not adding value in my current role, and that it was best for everyone that I leave. I opted out of our ritual goodbye ceremony – a sign that I clearly didn’t feel great about my departure – and disappeared after a few hugs around the office that day.
I’m proud that I didn’t let this feedback crush me and make me feel like I didn’t deserve another opportunity. Weeks later, I received an even better offer to join a more successful company in Zeplin.
That said, as I end my corporate and startup career for now, it’s helpful for me to reflect on what – exactly – was going on at this time in my career to warrant such brutal feedback. Let me paint the picture beyond the low numbers.
Here are some actual quotes from respondents to my 360 Review
- “Kayleigh can come off as condescending if something isn’t exactly as she would have done it.” – Harsh, but true then.
- “When Kayleigh is excited about something and interested in it, she is unstoppable. But, she is also pretty transparent when she is frustrated by something….it can end up creating a frustrated vibe across the team and build up a negative attitude toward certain people or companies, which isn’t productive.” Oof. I’m sweating over here. But I can’t deny that it’s also true!
- “Learn to be nicer to the people around her.” Oh boy.
Under the section for “what are this person’s opportunities for growth and challenges ahead” the feedback felt never ending. Here is the most damning quote, and I had many, many to choose from:
“Kayleigh is a highly capable, intelligent individual, but as a leader there is much room for improvement. She’s intolerant of people’s differences and varying abilities and isn’t great at hiding it. She has very low EQ, which makes it hard to lead a team effectively, especially in a fast-paced, ever-evolving startup environment.”
Brutal. And, there was more.
“I think Kayleigh could be more open-minded.” “I’d love to see Kayleigh establish how empowering and collaborative she can be.” ” The only thing I can see impeding her are her interpersonal skills.”
Shoot me now.
I totally understand why my teammates at Snapdocs shared this feedback at that moment in time. This is exactly how I was showing up on a day-to-day basis back then – I was frustrated and impatient. That said, I don’t believe that what my teammates shared back then about my lack of self-awareness, a crippling EQ, or deficient interpersonal skills is true at my core.
When I look back at this feedback, I have to laugh. There is absolute truth in it – I did show up like the insane, insecure, frustrated, combative woman that they described at the end.
But, there is SO MUCH MORE TRUTH in who I actually am when I am in an environment where I can thrive. I am creating that environment right now. I am opening up. I am sharing my struggles. I am sharing my triumphs. I am forging a path for myself, my fiance, and our future family.
In fact, I am self-aware, highly conscientious, and quite strong at interpersonal relationships. I’ve recently surveyed a few people that know me well but from different era of my life and the feedback is universal. When I’ve asked, “What value do I provide?” they’ve shared things like:
- “You figure out where we should go and what we should do – you have intense commitment to what you believe in.”
- “You build strong relationships and create lasting friendships. From cards, to life moments, to visit friends near and fast, you are always checking in on people, ultimately creating a sense of self-worth and importance to those who interact with you.”
- “You are an engaging storyteller. You engage genuinely with interest when someone else is talking and you always have a passion you’re exploring that feeds your stories!”
When I re-read the Snapdocs’ feedback now, I am so, so grateful for it – it’s clear that I was meant to do what I feel called to do right now – to write, share, create, build, and inspire. It’s clear that I was misaligned internally and projecting it externally into my environment to real detrimental effect. It’s also clear that I have the power to change and choose again – to be the higher self I want to be, and my latest goodbye is a much better reflection of that.