Over the last two days, I’ve felt deeply emotional. Ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Feeling sad. Craving deeper connection.
Part of me wants to write off this deep emotion is a result of the universal affects of the Cancerian Full Moon. As a Cancer – born July 9th – and as a highly sensitive, intuitive INFJ – maybe, I thought, I am just at the whim of the current gravitational pull and it is pulling on my heartstrings and opening up the floodgates in my eyes.
I feel as though something deeper is going on.
A Heart Cracked Open
I spent the last five days with my two year-old niece in Dallas. For me, to be in her presence is to be present. To move out of my head and constant thoughts and straight into the moment.
We ran around her favorite parks. We wandered the house as she slowly savored a chocolate chip banana muffin. We read a book about the artist Georgia O’Keeffe and placed animal stickers all over a jungle scene. I pushed her in her new wagon, and she cracked up as I almost allowed her to crash into the garage fence every single time. She showed me how she is learning to ride a bike, with her neon pink helmet on.
We made up a song together – “Achoo, achoo, I love you!”
And I sang, “Clara is my favorite niece” to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm. I also tried to sneak in “Kayleigh is my favorite aunt,” but – not to worry three other aunts! – it didn’t take hold. I woke up every morning eager to jump out of bed in time to just watch her enjoy her breakfast. It cracked her up to eat raspberries off of my fingertips.
I love my niece more than I’ve loved anyone. She opened my heart this week.
When I went to hug her goodbye and she said, “I want to go on the airplane,” my eyes filled with water and I couldn’t open my mouth for fear that I would just start sobbing. Even writing this right now makes my chin quiver. Being an aunt without my own children, is such a joy and I am so grateful for my brother and his wife for giving me this gift.
A Loss Finally Mourned
I also feel sad for what ended in 2020. Namely, my relationship to the woman that I had proposed to back in November 2019.
Although I ended the engagement back in June, the idea of the relationship kept me occupied for so many months afterward. My idealistic brain kept imagining a world where we could make it work. My heart kept reminding me that to do so would mean that both of us would be sacrificing who we are. It took a real moment of clarity not too long ago to finally break free of my idealism and accept the reality of the relationship. I had never really let myself mourn the relationship since I had kept it going in various forms for those months afterward. I didn’t want to give up the hugs and affection, the afternoon coffees overlooking the beach from her balcony, or the grocery runs she would do for me, knowing how much I hate shopping, and how she would always add something special to the delivery.
And so I sat down and wrote a hand-written letter to express my feelings and gratitude for the relationship. I reminisced about all of the special moments that we shared on the beaches of Kauai, Maui, California, and Florida. And I thanked her for what she taught me – unconditional love and the courage to speak one’s mind, especially when it goes against what is expected. Teardrops fell on the paper, smudging the blue ink, as a final seal.
As we enter 2021, I have finally released the hold of the relationship fully and have opened my heart up again to be loved and to love. Our relationship served our mutual expansion, I believe, and I am eternally grateful for that. I have expanded my heart, mind, and soul wide enough to welcome in the next relationship with open arms.
In so many ways, this past year has been beautifully unfolding for me. To move to South Florida in February before San Francisco locked down pretty much the entire year. To start a business to inspire people in a year when that would matter even more. To have flexibility in my schedule to attend to my health and bike, yoga, and swim on a regular basis. To be closer to family and high-school friends and even travel to Maine, Texas, and Mexico. There’s nothing that I can’t do – even in a pandemic – and yet my intimate relationships are where I have the most room to grow, allow, and nourish in the year ahead.
A Vision for 2021
As the clock strikes midnight, I am entering 2021 with my heart open the widest it has ever been.
I feel vulnerable. I feel attuned. I feel alive. And most of all, I feel.
This is new for me. I always think.
Feelings have always scared me, and yet I know that my feelings and energy go deeper – and are more powerful – than just my thoughts.
And so I envision so much opening up for me in 2021 as I continue to open up my heart and allow myself to be seen in a new light.
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